Darkness

*** Warning! Do not read when feeling vulnerable to depression! ***
(And don't worry about me now, this was back in the 1980's.)


i sit in darkness,
oppressed and overwhelmed.

am i moving through mud,
that drags at my soul,
that makes me work so hard for each inch i travel?

i cannot see out, but i think it's magic.
others seem to see me,
see me drawing crying swans in my notebook,
a notebook i cannot see, myself.

at night i go to bed, victorious, triumphant!
in the morning i awake, it was all a lie

oh, god, however will i deal with the day,
the long day yet to get through?
i can't face it. i just can't do it.
i don't know how, i don't know why,
i don't remember, i don't have any tools

who am i to think i have anything
that hasn't been sparked in the world
a thousand times or more,
sparked in ways that caught and burned,
not fizzled as mine

when has a spark of mine ever caught,
ever lit someone else,
ever jumped like a signal flame,
echoing along hilltops?

i guess i make it through each day
the end of day arrives, anyway

i must have done something
it doesn't matter very much

it's all dead and gone,
swallowed by the dark

SNOW (2004-Jan-07)

a hushed world
feather-soft snow drifting white
clank, clank, clank
chained snowplow scrapes by

it's quite a hike
to get where i'm going
along roads littered
with abandonded cars

laboring breath
sounds loud in the still
cold nose belies
how overly warm i am inside

there!
i can hear kids laughing
playing in the snow
delighted with the world

God, please be with
my neighbors in need
for whom this is not
a pleasant change from habit

KNITTING (2004-Jan-01)

sitting and knitting, busy hands; free my mind, to wander

a single thread, poke, loop, draw, slide
poke, loop, draw, slide, repeat and form cloth.
is life like this thread, woven, twisted
knitted into the fabric of our existance?

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

perhaps it's like the needles that knit
the time we pass through into shape

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

dropped stitches leave holes, holes in the fabric
dropped friendships leave holes, holes in our lives
holes form part of the pattern, texture, windows design,
{sigh} or just a glaring flaw

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

needle slips, drop a stitch
catch up with a hook, even across many rows
can dropped friendships be renewed?

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

pull out the needle
and it all unravels
leaving a whole string
ready to knit anew

can we be remade, too?
can we reshape our time afresh?

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

a child learns to knit
add some stitches, drop a few
uneven tension, random edges
"cloth" of tangled mess

yet somehow over time, desire and patience pay off in skill
an actual rectangle forms and grows; real cloth, beautiful cloth

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide
poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

can we make something of tangled lives?
if we keep trying, will we come whole?

poke, loop, draw, slide. poke, loop, draw, slide

sitting and knitting, busy hands; free my mind, to wander

PEACE (2003-Dec-24)

breathe into the frosty air
and watch it spread
through all the earth

dance beneath the stars of night
for all the world
seems fresh and new

joy echos round the mountain peaks
and whispers love
through forests deep

breathe out the news
glad, wondrous news
peace is possible, peace is here
claim it for your own

RAIN (2003-Dec-17)

drip little raindrop
drop little raindrip
pitter patter on my roof
patter pitter through my heart
wash my spirit clean

drip little raindrop
drop little raindrip
fill these little streams all full
pull my dreams downstream at will
laughing 'cross the rocks

drip little raindrop
drop little raindrip
pitter patter on the leaves
patter pitter through the greans
splatter on my face

drip little raindrop
drop little raindrip
tweety little birds in song
thronging 'round the yard so sweet
joining chorus fair

who could frown on such a day
when all the world does laugh and play
showering clean and jigging sprite
dancing eyes smile with delight

drip little raindrop
drop little raindrip
pitter patter on my coat
patter pitter through your hair
tickling down our backs

drip little raindrop
drop little raindrip
pitter patter litle feet
tramping through mud puddles deep
splish splash splosh!

STORMS (2003-Dec-10)

ahhhh

tonight is my time
when winds blow wild
storm season fills me, fuels me
i own the night

whispering power holds me up
when exhaustion threatens hold
sustains me to continue on
to take up gauntlets of endurance

none can reach me
none can stop me
this time is MINE
and i glory in it

mere mortals but endure
when my laughter crashes their world
all creation rises in triumph
and bows at my passing

cringe and cower, you that see
behold the crackling strikes i bear
watch as i claim your soul
in wide-eyed awe

shiver before my booming voice
reaches out to claim you
and bear you down
into eternal peace

SLEEP (2003-Dec-03)

night after night
i lay in my bed
trying to sleep

relax each muscle
and relax again
as each re-tenses

let go, let go, let go

a grip of fear
settles about my heart
ICANTSLEEPICANTSLEEP

tomorrow in exhaustion
i can't keep on so
OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD

let go, let go, let go

go through, go through
come through the other side
leave it behind

breathe
breathe
breathe

let go, let go, let go

my heart so tight
i feel each beat
will i feel it stop?

i can't breathe deep
no room for lung-swell
can't release, can't ungrip

let go, let go, let go

i pace restlessly
as a panther in forest
home, belong, live

pacing, growling
baleful eyes watch, watch
pace the fence walling me in

let go, let go, let go

metaphor of darkness
deeper than sky
broader than ocean

shadowed vision
daylight darkened
world tuned out

let go, let go, let go

if the model doesn't work
build a new one

let go, let go, let go

what model?
what framework?
what guidelines?

let go, let go, let go

look what i have written in your heart

look?

look deep

icantiCANTICANT I WON'T!!!

let go, let go, let go

I WON'T!!!

let go, let go, let go

must i?

let go, let go, let go

{sigh} i know

let go, let go, let go

stand up, turn around
walk through the gate
i knew was there

step into the warmth
of sun, of peace
look behind me and cry

at last i sleep

(adapted from "What do you do when the way is 'down'?" written 10 November 2001)